I heard this phrase from my husband today when I asked: “Why am I so irritated for no reason?”
I turned his answer over in my head – and it became clear: there is no “no reason.”
I’m in Ukraine right now. Periodic power outages. Cold. My body is constantly tense.
A background fear we seem to have “gotten used to,” but that never actually went away.
Strikes somewhere nearby – even if not in our city, they still live inside us. Emotions and mental space are tense too.
And against this backdrop, I keep working, thinking, teaching, planning, being “adult,” collected, adequate, caring. Even though where we are right now does not matter for how tension accumulates. Today, it’s woven into life in most of the places we exist.
And so, irritation shows up over “small things.” Someone wrote at the wrong time. Asked the wrong way. Put something in the wrong place.
This is about tension I’ve been holding inside for a long time. Suppressed, it doesn’t disappear. It looks for a way out. Through irritation, sharpness, the feeling that “everything is annoying,” or even “something is wrong with me.”
Today I’m trying to tell myself: this is not about me (not about all of me), not about people,
and not about the situation.
Irritation is not an enemy. It’s a part that showed up and is sending a signal: you’re having a hard time, you’re scared, you’re cold, you don’t feel safe (underline what fits).
And I can no longer pretend that this doesn’t affect me.
I’m still learning to replace my default question “What’s wrong with me?” with: “Where am I holding on for too long?”, “What am I not allowing myself to feel?”, “Where do I need support instead of strength?”
Today, I allow myself to be irritated (when I’m home alone).
Not because “I should,” but because it’s honest. And because behind it there is a living, feeling me.
Suppressed tension needs an outlet. And maybe the safest one is to stop pretending that we’re fine, to say: “I can’t handle it anymore, and I need…” – and here come your personal lists, my friends 🤗 For me, for example, dancing helps.